So one of the side effects of the drugs I’m taking for the depression is a decreased appetite. I can’t tell you how shocked I was to have the cravings just go away! It really made me think about what is “real.” Everyday we perceive things in certain ways. We decide if our boss not speaking as we walk by means she was really involved in her work or if it means she is very displeased with our work. We decide if the busybody 4 year old is precocious or ADD. We decide if that girlfriend/boyfriend breaking up with us means there was an issue with them or something wrong with us. We decide that “I’m just a high strung person.” We decide, “I just love to eat. Everyone has their vice. I’m not hurting anyone.”
For the first time I was able to separate my cravings, my perceived weakness from “me.” Hmm, so that was a chemical imbalance and not who I am? Maybe so. Wow.
This year I’ve lost 30 pounds. Not just because of the medications. I decided to use the opportunity to finally lose the weight I picked up 20 years ago with my first child. So I have been watching my calories taken in and burnt with the help of a fancy little app called MyFitnessPal. I’ve done a lot of walking. Early on this year, other than sleeping, walking was the only time I felt at peace. I would walk for up to an hour. But I’d get blisters on the long walks. 😦
After twenty pounds, folks started to notice I had lost weight. I admitted to a buddy that I knew I had lost weight, because neither my pants nor belts fit any more, but I couldn’t see it in the mirror. I would stare at myself naked in the mirror and I looked the same. I remembered how anorexics look in the mirror and see a fat person. It occurred to me that perhaps what we look like is more in our brains than in the mirror. Again I had to think about what is “real.” I had always thought of myself as fat and dressed in looser clothes. I called it being conservative and modest.
Well yesterday I slid into a pair of jeans sized in the single digits for the first time in my adult life. I gleefully bought them. I brought them home and asked my husband did he notice anything odd about them. (poor thing) He said, “Noooo. What?” I said “They are tiny! And I can fit them!”
When I looked in the mirror at myself, I could finally see that I was much smaller than I had been.
I believe I’ve learned about portion sizes and making informed decisions about what I eat which will keep me from blowing back up when I’m finally off the medication. But I’ve also been reminded and assured that the only things that are “real” or “true” are what my Lord has said in the Bible or to me personally.
8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. 9 The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8 & 9. NKJV
Those verses warrant deeper study as I put away the lies I’ve told myself and the one I’ve accepted from the world.
Hey, no better time than the present to study. See ya later!