I was angry with God

At this point in my journey I’m all about being honest with myself first,  the Lord second and the world third. It’s not like I was ever big on lying to the world, but I’ve learned I couldn’t really be honest with them when  I wasn’t honest with myself. And really what point is there in lying to God? He already knows!

English: Angry woman.

English: Angry woman. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So I was angry. I had come to believe that God had let me down when He should have been protecting me from emotional harm. Also, when I prayed earnestly for a particular situation to resolve itself as I wanted it to, He ignored me. Perhaps the real fuel was that I found myself in those situations as a new Christian. I hadn’t made it through the entire Bible yet. I didn’t know about praying in tongues. I didn’t have any good female Christian buddies yet. No one in my immediate family was walking with Christ. All I had was Him. And He let me down.

When this revelation came to me in therapy, I was embarrassed and immediately penitent. I realized how foolish I had been. I realized how ungrateful I had been. How could I ever know all that the Lord had protected me from? How could I take for granted that I was still breathing? I couldn’t!

On the contrary, who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, “Why did you make me like this,” will it?  -Romans 9:20

Romans 8:28 became real to me all over again. “All things work together for good for them that love the Lord…”

You may have asked or stated, “Why did you let my uncle do those things to me?”

“Why did He let my son be murdered?”

“I was a good husband. I deserved better, God.”

The reality of our lives is that some incredibly painful events and loses have taken place. As Christians, on  a certain level, we want to feel we will be protected from the hurts and losses. But really we know, or we come to know, that neither of those are true. As we mature in our understanding of the word and God’s nature we accept  that pain and loss is a significant part of this walk. We gain strength accepting that God’s grace is sufficient[i], that He has equipped us and that when we lack wisdom we can ask Him for it and we will receive it[ii].


[i] 2 Corinthians 12:9

[ii] James 1:5

all verses from the New American Standard Bible

 

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“Wouldn’t give nothing for the journey.”

Happy birthday to me!! Today I turn 45 years old. I’m very happy about that. Actually I’ve never been one to lie about or hide my age, but today I’m practically shouting it from the rooftop.

I’m very happy with my life right now, perhaps the happiest I’ve ever been. (The meds work!) This is particularly significant since 7 months ago I did not believe I’d ever feel happy again. The fear, anger and feeling of being trapped were too strong. I was wrong.

Today I’m thinking of some of the most powerful moments in my life:

when I stood, alphabetized by last name, in cap and gown at the Baccalaureate service the night before my graduation from college

when giving birth to my 1st child, who was breach, heading into surgery for a C-section and realizing it was a life and death situation and I was more concerned about his than mine

when I came up out of the baptismal water knowing I was a new creature

when I was 3 months pregnant with my daughter and decided that I had to go back to my verbally/emotionally abusive husband because I couldn’t even buy toothpaste. But I resolved that I’d get a job, keep it and save my money.

really understanding poverty when Kenyan children in Nairobi begged me for coins and called me a rich American

when I found out my mom lost our second home and most of my stuff had been left behind in their haste

when it occurred to me that perhaps my second husband could not be faithful

when I decided that no matter what happens (and some more jacked up stuff WILL happen) God has got me. I’ll be fine.

Paul wrote in Philippians 4:11 – 13 “Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. 12 I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. 13 For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” -NLT

I never really understood this scripture. But now I think I do. And it’s a great place to be. It requires focus and faith. (BTW it wouldn’t hurt to read that whole chapter. It is perhaps my favorite.)

My mother used to say from time to time, “Wouldn’t give nothing for the journey.” Today I can say the same. I’ve learned so much about myself, God’s love and humanity. And hey, I’ve got another 45 to go!