I was angry with God

At this point in my journey I’m all about being honest with myself first,  the Lord second and the world third. It’s not like I was ever big on lying to the world, but I’ve learned I couldn’t really be honest with them when  I wasn’t honest with myself. And really what point is there in lying to God? He already knows!

English: Angry woman.

English: Angry woman. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So I was angry. I had come to believe that God had let me down when He should have been protecting me from emotional harm. Also, when I prayed earnestly for a particular situation to resolve itself as I wanted it to, He ignored me. Perhaps the real fuel was that I found myself in those situations as a new Christian. I hadn’t made it through the entire Bible yet. I didn’t know about praying in tongues. I didn’t have any good female Christian buddies yet. No one in my immediate family was walking with Christ. All I had was Him. And He let me down.

When this revelation came to me in therapy, I was embarrassed and immediately penitent. I realized how foolish I had been. I realized how ungrateful I had been. How could I ever know all that the Lord had protected me from? How could I take for granted that I was still breathing? I couldn’t!

On the contrary, who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, “Why did you make me like this,” will it?  -Romans 9:20

Romans 8:28 became real to me all over again. “All things work together for good for them that love the Lord…”

You may have asked or stated, “Why did you let my uncle do those things to me?”

“Why did He let my son be murdered?”

“I was a good husband. I deserved better, God.”

The reality of our lives is that some incredibly painful events and loses have taken place. As Christians, on  a certain level, we want to feel we will be protected from the hurts and losses. But really we know, or we come to know, that neither of those are true. As we mature in our understanding of the word and God’s nature we accept  that pain and loss is a significant part of this walk. We gain strength accepting that God’s grace is sufficient[i], that He has equipped us and that when we lack wisdom we can ask Him for it and we will receive it[ii].

[i] 2 Corinthians 12:9

[ii] James 1:5

all verses from the New American Standard Bible


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Lord, You Know

1 “The hand of the Lord came upon me and brought me out in the Spirit of the Lord, and set me down in the midst of the valley; and it was full of bones. 2 Then He caused me to pass by them all around, and behold, there were very many in the open valley; and indeedthey were very dry. 3 And He said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”

So I answered, “O Lord God, You know.”

4 Again He said to me, “Prophesy to these bones, and say to them, ‘O dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! 5 Thus says the Lord God to these bones: “Surely I will cause breath to enter into you, and you shall live. 6 I will put sinews on you and bring flesh upon you, cover you with skin and put breath in you; and you shall live. Then you shall know that I am theLord.”’”

7 So I prophesied as I was commanded; and as I prophesied, there was a noise, and suddenly a rattling; and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 Indeed, as I looked, the sinews and the flesh came upon them, and the skin covered them over; but there was no breath in them.

9 Also He said to me, “Prophesy to the breath, prophesy, son of man, and say to the breath, ‘Thus says the Lord God: “Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they may live.”’” 10 So I prophesied as He commanded me, and breath came into them, and they lived, and stood upon their feet, an exceedingly great army.”

April's Swoops crop

My Pastor was preaching on Ezekiel 37. I’ve heard the passage preached many times. But this time, one phrase jumped out at me. God asks, “Can these bones live?” What I heard was, can what has been dead/impossible come alive/be possible? Only God can know the answer to the miraculous. Ezekiel was so wise and humble to know that when God suggests the impossible, it’s never about what we can do to accomplish it.

Ezekiel’s response was simple. “Oh Lord God, You know.” In that I heard, “Lord I have no idea, but I know you do and you are able. I trust you.” That resonates in my spirit these days. It feels like He suggests the impossible to me everyday. My humble whisper is “Oh Lord God, You know.”

Is He asking you about some “dry bones”?

What’s real?

Process of perception, approach and framework ...

Process of perception, approach and framework of perception (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So one of the side effects of the drugs I’m taking for the depression is a decreased appetite. I can’t tell you how shocked I was to have the cravings just go away!  It really made me think about what is “real.”  Everyday we perceive things in certain ways. We decide if our boss not speaking as we walk by means she was really involved in her work or if it means she is very displeased with our work. We decide if the busybody 4 year old is precocious or ADD. We decide if that girlfriend/boyfriend breaking up with us means there was an issue with them or something wrong with us. We decide that “I’m just a high strung person.”  We decide, “I just love to eat. Everyone has their vice. I’m not hurting anyone.”

For the first time I was able to separate my cravings, my perceived weakness from “me.” Hmm, so that was a chemical imbalance and not who I am? Maybe so. Wow.

This year I’ve lost 30 pounds. Not just because of the medications. I decided to use the opportunity to finally lose the weight I picked up 20 years ago with my first child. So I have been watching my calories taken in and burnt with the help of a fancy little app called MyFitnessPal.  I’ve done a lot of walking. Early on this year, other than sleeping, walking was the only time I felt at peace.  I would walk for up to an hour. But I’d get blisters on the long walks. 😦

After twenty pounds, folks started to notice I had lost weight.  I admitted to a buddy that I knew I had lost weight, because neither my pants nor belts fit any more, but I couldn’t see it in the mirror. I would stare at myself naked in the mirror and I looked the same.  I remembered how anorexics look in the mirror and see a fat person. It occurred to me that perhaps what we look like is more in our brains than in the mirror. Again I had to think about what is “real.”  I had always thought of myself as fat and dressed in looser clothes. I called it being conservative and modest.

Well yesterday I slid into a pair of jeans sized in the single digits for the first time in my adult life. I gleefully bought them. I brought them home and asked my husband did he notice anything odd about them. (poor thing) He said, “Noooo. What?” I said “They are tiny! And I can fit them!”

When I looked in the mirror at myself, I could finally see that I was much smaller than I had been.

I believe I’ve learned about portion sizes and making informed decisions about what I eat which will keep me from blowing back up when I’m finally off the medication. But I’ve also been reminded and assured that the only things that are “real” or “true” are what my Lord has said in the Bible or to me personally.

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8 & 9. NKJV

Those verses warrant deeper study as I put away the lies I’ve told myself and the one I’ve accepted from the world.

Hey, no better time than the present to study. See ya later!