Taking a deeper look

Cassatt Mary The Cup of Tea 1880

Cassatt Mary The Cup of Tea 1880 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well folks, allow me to update you on my journey.

My art work is progressing nicely. I tried drawing on black paper, rather than white and gosh, I think I like black paper more. The art seems to have more depth on the black background. I’m trying to build up a collection of 20 works that I feel very proud of. I’ve got about 13 at this point. I have a very critical eye. To provide some balance, I’m looking for an art buddy who can critique some of my work. Kinda scary, but I think I’m ready for that.

I’ve gotten back in the groove of writing my book! My goal is to write 500 words a day.  That doesn’t seem overwhelming. And if I stick to the schedule, I’ll be finished with the draft in 90 days.  That will be wonderful!

I read an article that said if we logged all we did in a day over a period of days, we would discover that we have a lot more free time than we thought. Another article talked about creating a daily log of what you do.  I think that would be very effective. I don’t think I’ll find a lot of free time, necessarily.  I think I’ll find wasted time! Well, I might try it. The next step would be to set a routine that helps me achieve my art, writing and spiritual goals.

I signed up to attend a women’s business lunch with a business coach as the speaker. The night before I felt myself becoming anxious.  I told my husband.  I don’t think he realized how serious I was. I couldn’t fall asleep. Then the next morning when it was time to get up, I really, really didn’t want to.  It wasn’t just that I was tired. It was a sense of dread. I said to myself, “Is this an anxiety attack?!”  I’ve experienced that dread several times over the years. I just thought I was being “weird.”   I think I have a high level of anxiety when I go some place new and when I have to drive someplace new.  But the real question I asked myself is why did I think I would be able to go? I signed up and paid for this lunch and started researching the speaker. Everything was peachy. Well, needless to say, my husband was not too pleased with me that day.

I told myself to shake it off.  I had signed up for a free marketing event a month ago and it would occur the week after I missed the lunch. Early the morning of the event I was easily able to talk myself out of going.   Next came the guilt and negative self-talk: “How are you going to promote a book if you can’t leave your house?? You’re wasting your time. You’re gonna fail.”  Then I said, “Wait, stop.  Just stop. Don’t say mean things to yourself.  You hit a rough patch, but you can talk with God and your therapist and figure out what’s really going on. And then you will overcome it.”

I think I have an idea of what’s going on. I think it has to do with a lack of a sense of self-worth. And some of the lack of self-worth comes from believing I still have to prove something, I still have to earn something. Instead of just operating in the fact that Jesus did it all. He shed His blood for me. He sent me the Comforter. My worth is without question. I have power. I have gifts. I’m ok!

I just need to relax, breath, repeat my positive affirmations, have a cup of tea…